Saturday, February 4, 2012



Brothers & Sisters,

In our fourth installment of our five-part series: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST BLACK WOMEN.
We will take an in-depth look at "When The Abuser Blames The Victim". We are also subtitling it: "99 Problems But I'm Not One of 'Em"!

Why are we using that subtitle? Because the black man domestic violence abuser may have many problems in AmeriKKKa stemming from: Lack of Employment, Lack of Finances, Lack of Proper Housing, Family Problems ie,. Parental and/or Siblings, White Man Racial Prejudices, Alcoholism, Drugs, & "Sexual Addiction" (a deep-seeded sexual desire for OTHER women NOT his own), and Post-Traumatic Slavery Disorder.

In any event if those are some or all of the black man's problems, that black man has NO right to take it out on the black woman ... HIS black woman!

Below is an article (courtesy of our good friends at which stands for: Alabama Coalition for Domestic Violence) chronically laying out from A-to-Z why the abusive domestic violence perpetrator blames his female victim on the other end of his abuse.

It is a very enlighten article. I have learned a lot myself, as I have all the way through our series thus far.

When you our faithful readers are done reading the article below, please take a final moment to look at & listen to the music video provided. It is from our dear Sister R&B recording artist Chrisette Michele. The song is called, "Blame It On Me" from her 2009 CD "Epiphany". What Sis. Chrisette has to say is powerfully moving & most definitely the anthem for black woman all over the diaspora who are fed-up with loving a black man who has done so many wicked ungodly hurtful things to her that she's willing to take the blame for everythang just as "long as it's over"!
(The lyrics to the song are provided so you don't miss a single word)

Of course brothers & sisters, commenting is open to any & everyone who wants to participate in our series discussion regarding the sick evil hurtful wickedness of domestic violence against the black woman.
We most definitely encourage the black man to discuss his feelings, thoughts, & experiences regarding this very serious subject matter. We encourage the black woman to continue sharing your feelings, experiences, and tales of horror living on the other end of your man's striking fist. We want to encourage the black woman to comment without fear of reprisal from that abusive negro she's laying with or from anyone else! That's why the option to post a comment "anonymously" is always there and free for you to use for your convenience sister.

So Until Next Time When We Conclude Our Five-Part Series With Installment Number 5....

Be Safe & Watch Out For Each Other!!!




Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling and coercive conduct that serves to deprive victims of safety and autonomy. Perpetrators believe they are entitled to power and control over their partners and perceive all interactions within relationships through a prism of compliance or disobedience. Perpetrators use abusive tactics to reinforce their rules and maintain absolute control over their victims.

Perpetrators come from all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, areas of the world, educational levels and occupations.

They often appear charming and attentive to outsiders, and even to their partners, at first. Many perpetrators are very good at disguising their abusive behavior to appear socially acceptable. Once they develop a relationship with a partner however, they become more and more abusive.

Domestic violence perpetrators:

  • seek control of the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of their partner.
  • restrict all of the victim's rights and freedoms
  • punish their partner for breaking their rules or challenging the perpetrator's authority
Men who batter:
  • minimize the seriousness of their violence
  • believe they are entitled control their partner
  • use anger, alcohol/drug use, and stress as excuses for their abusive behaviors
  • blame the victim for the violence
A batterer covers up his violence by denying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. He often convinces his partner that the abuse is less serious than it is, or that it is her fault. He may tell her that "if only" she had acted differently, he wouldn't have abused her. Sometimes he will say, "You made me do it."

Victims of abuse do not cause violence. The batterer is responsible for every act of abuse committed.

Domestic violence is a learned behavior. It is learned through:

  • observation.
  • experience.
  • culture.
  • family.
  • community (peer group, school, etc.).

Abuse is not caused by:

  • mental illness.
  • Personality disorders, mental illness, and other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior must be addressed separately.
  • genetics.
  • alcohol and drugs.
  • Many men blame their violence on the effects of drug and alcohol use. Alcohol abuse is present in about 50 percent of battering relationships. Research shows that alcohol and other drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause. Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse to use violence. Regardless, it is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the alcohol, does not stop the abuse.

    Substance abuse must be treated before or in conjunction with domestic violence treatment programs.

  • out-of-control behavior.
  • anger.
  • stress.
  • behavior of the victim.
  • problems in the relationship.

A batterer abuses because he wants to, and thinks he has a "right" to his behavior. He may think he is superior to his partner and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.

Some ways batterers deny and minimize their violence:

  • "I hit the wall, not her head."
  • "She bruises easily."
  • "She just fell down the steps."
  • "Her face got in the way of my fist."

Characteristics of a Potential Batterer:

  • Jealousy
  • Controlling behavior
  • Quick involvement
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Isolation of victim
  • Blames others for his problems
  • Blames others for his feelings
  • Hypersensitivity
  • Cruelty to animals or children
  • "Playful" use of force during sex
  • Verbal abuse
  • Rigid sex roles
  • Jekyll and Hyde type personality
  • History of past battering
  • Threats of violence
  • Breaking or striking objects
  • Any force during an argument
  • Objectification of women
  • Tight control over finances
  • Minimization of the violence
  • Manipulation through guilt
  • Extreme highs and lows
  • Expects her to follow his orders
  • Frightening rage
  • Use of physical force
  • Closed mindedness

Abusers often try to manipulate the "system" by:

  • Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children.
  • Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner's financial hardship.
  • Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is "crazy" and making things up.
  • Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him.
  • Telling police she hit him, too.
  • Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.
  • Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.
Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.

He may try to "win" her back in some of these ways:

  • Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.
  • Talking about his "difficult childhood".
  • Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they've had.
  • Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner.
  • Crying, begging for forgiveness.
  • Promising it will "never happen again."
  • Promising to get counseling, to change.
Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time.

Perpetrator Intervention Programs For Abusers

Abusers can enter voluntarily or be court ordered to Perpetrator Intervention Programs. It is important to note that there are no guarantees that he will change his violent behavior. He is the only one that can make the decision--and commitment--to change.

If you have concerns about your relationship or your safety please call the toll free hotline 1-800-650-6522.

How do you know if he is really changing?

Positive signs include:

  • He has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others
  • He acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong
  • He understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate you
  • You don't feel afraid when you are with him.
  • He does not coerce or force you to have sex.
  • You can express anger toward him without feeling intimidated.
  • He does not make you feel responsible for his anger or frustration.
  • He respects your opinion even if he doesn't agree with it.
  • He respects your right to say "no."

Six Big Lies

If you hear your partner making these statements while he is in a treatment program for abusers, you should understand that he is lying to himself, and to you.

  • "I'm not the only one who needs counseling."
  • "I'm not as bad as a lot of other guys in there."
  • "As soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."
  • "We need to stay together to work this out."
  • "If I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short fuse."
  • "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."

Couples' Counseling does NOT work in violent relationships!

    Domestic violence is the sole responsibility of the abuser.
  • Couples' counseling works best when both people are truthful.
  • Individuals who are abusive to their partners minimize, deny and blame, and therefore are not truthful in counseling.
  • Couples resolve problems in counseling by talking about problems.
  • His abuse is not a couple problem, it is his problem. He needs to work on it in a specialized program for abusers.
    A victim who is being abused in a relationship is in a dangerous position in couple's counseling. If she tells the counselor about the abuse, she is likely to suffer more abuse when she gets home. If she does not tell, nothing can be accomplished.

If you think you will benefit from joint counseling, go AFTER he successfully completes a batterer's intervention program and is no longer violent.

Red Flags Of Abuse
You may be involved with a perpetrator if any of the following "red flags" exist in the relationship:

  • Quick involvement- the perpetrator pushes for a commitment or major event to occur very early in the relationship.
  • Isolation -the perpetrator begins asking you to spend less time with your friends and family and more time with him. You end up no longer maintaining close relationships with friends or family members.
  • Suggestions for change- the perpetrator has lots of suggestions on how you can improve your appearance, behavior etc. You begin to make changes solely based on these suggestions.
  • Controlling behaviors- the perpetrator influences your decisions on hobbies, activities, dress, friends, daily routines etc. You begin to make fewer and fewer decisions without the perpetrator's opinion or influence.
  • Information gathering and pop-ins - the perpetrator wants to know the specific details of your day and rarely leaves you alone when you are not with him, such as when you are at work or out with friends.
  • Any forms of abuse - the perpetrator may use name calling, intimidation, humiliation, shoving, pushing or other forms of abuse to get you to do whatever they want you to do.

These red flags may indicate that you are involved with a perpetrator of domestic violence. These red flags may occur early in the relationship and be explained by the perpetrator as caring or loving behaviors such as "I just check on you because I miss you" or "I just want what is best for you" or "I just want us to work on our relationship and spend more time together."

Lies Abusers Tell
Abusers often tell lies about their violence to themselves, their partners and society:


Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ Nikki X!! That was deep !! I can't believe some of the things you have posted during this series but it was soooo needed sistah I listened to that song and started crying thinking about me & my nigga. We broke up 2 months ago and I miss him but he drinks to much I know due to the circumstances you mentioned like employment & drinking & white folks always on his neck all that shit plays a part but when ever I would see him we'd be doing good till the alcohol comes out & the nigga starts drinking then he starts hallucinating about shit he thinks I've done then the ass kickings begin! I loved him best I could but I had to think about my 10 month old daughter! I didn't want her to grow up seeing my ass getting bloodied up but this nigga she calling da-da ya' know? He's not her real daddy but he accepted her when we hooked up & we've been a family every since. He says he still loves me even though I left him but I am kinda torn cause I do still love him I just can't be getting smacked around and beat down by this man. What if he kills me? I'm crying writing this to you Sis. Nikki X but I thank God you are hear to listen and provide a forum for black sistahs where there would not be one. The white girls have them but we don't.

God Bless you Sis. Nikki X

Anonymous said...

This is correct, and these are very good points of view. I am so proud of you Nikki X, and that the Most High God has been with you. ...For that that fact with me as well.LOL. Bro.JT.

Anonymous said...

Damn! My nigga got most of those characteristics now I can understand him a little better but if the nigga comes near me to jump on me again I"ll kill the son of a bitch I mean that cuz I'm getting tired Shit!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

reading this made me sick cause these men need to wake up and realize they themselves can get they asses smoked trying to fight a black woman! This shit getting too crucial out here trying to keep a roof over our heads food in our bellies and these kids and clothes on our backs to have to worry about a black nigger coming home and whooping our asses cause he drunk or jealousy or he got white man troubles shit fuck that! We do to but you don't see us coming home from work or the welfare building or out pounding the pavement trying to find a job and beating y'alls black ashy asses cause our day was back! Do you? No the hell you don't! I'm mad now shit! my ol' nigger got caught cheating but he the main nigger in my household super jealous and crazed if another nigger so much as says whats up to me! That ol' nigger of mine got life fucked up and he gonna find hisself on the other end of my razor blade he keep up with this bullshit kids or no kids! The nigger can get his ass chopped in a hundred little pieces then shipped back to his mammy in mississippi keep fucking around and fucking up y'all will get the news on the 6 o'clock news for real! These beating womens asses and him beating my ass gone stop asap trust! I done got tired now just like the previous commenter said!

Anonymous said...

I meant cause our day was BAD not back see i'm so fucking mad behind this ol' nigger of mine i can't even spell right and i got more education than than that nigger!!! sorry Sis. Nikki for posting twice

Anonymous said...

Hi Sis. Nikki X I am so glad you posted this blog. I am going through something like this right now. I am trying to leave my man because he hits me and he is always denying he did anything at all. I am so sick & tired of his shit I don't know what to do. I have read all of the article in this series and it has helped me alot even reading the sad stories from the other women is giving me the strength to know I am not alone. I don't know what's wrong with this man. He started out so sweet so loving and so nice to me and my children I have 4 & then he just started changing and getting jealous for no reason at all. I do everything for him and he don't work but he still gets up in my face demanding this and demanding that nothing i do is right. He is so insecure thinking some other man is gonna just come in and swoop me up and show me what I am already starting to see for myself that he is not good enough for me anyway and I should have never gotten with him from the start. He hit me the first time cause he was drunk and jealous imagining shit in his head that he made real but wasn't. The second time he claims to this day is all my fault I made him do it cause I am too bossy and demanding. Demanding of what I'm thinking cause he don't work, he don't have no money, he drives my car cause he don't have that and his baby mom won't even let him near her or the baby. Oh and he lives in MY apartment so what the hell am I trying to demand?!? This man is holding on to me because he don't have no one else but he's getting out of my house by the end of this month or I am calling the police that he hates so much. I didn't call the police when he hit me but I will call the man to get him out of my house! Then when I'm free I'm gonna take some time for me then find me a real strong black man to treat me real and has a job! I deserve it! Fuck him! Hitting me 7 times in 2 years is shameful to me Sis. Nikki and I have never told my people about it. He has to go and Feb 28th is his fucking deadline!!!

Thanks! I'll let you know what happens.